Ok;

So its the time of the year that I'm normally the happy bouncy person that brings the holiday spirit to everyone around me. That won't be the case; I've closed up home, and the whole holidays are for family stick is starting to get oppressive (probably cause its the first year without the concept of Home existing - I foresee working Christmas or not going to see Mom, which I'm torn on anyway as she can't recognize me after what happened).

In such I'm trying to keep myself distracted from such, in that I have a request for all the cammies that read this. If you have the spare time (I know holidays and spare time suck), and my characters know yours (or could know yours) - It would be awesome to just run scenes (even just little ones - or things over e-mail).

For a few reasons, I think Miranda is my most developed PC at the moment and even she's weak by my standards. I spent a good year and a half where I was basically socially reclusive and been working my way out of that. (There are probably some I'm walking on pins and needles around and half conversations - cause I knew we used to talk and not sure how to anymore.) I didn't have a reason to develop the new PC's because I was just at things walking through the motions anyway, nothing mattered. I'm back to normal now other than dodging the some of the cam drama of what people can make up this week; and trying to redevelop ties to people in real life.

I guess I can sum this up two ways, I want to try and make healthy ties with people socially (yes, I do make a distinction) and wanting to add more into the game like I used to with interesting characters and well use that as a distraction for the holidays.

Pisces 2 March 3-10.
You live in a private world all your own. Your home is a retreat from the world, where you admit very few.You tend to isolate yourself more then what is good for you. You have a distinct dislike for superficiality; you mistrust loud, aggressive or pushy people and find it hard to work with people who lack sensitivity. Grace, honesty and an unassailable aesthetic and moral code prevent you from acting underhandedly or particularly hurtful. You have elegance and grace in all that you do, you are a great admirer of sensuous beauty, particularly in people and paintings and you give your home a special touch. You have a strong soulful side and have empathy for all forms of human suffering. You see a distinct difference between being lonely (which you rarely are) and being alone (which you are often). You can become addicted easily to drugs, drink, sex. You crave peak experiences. You ask only to be accepted as you really are. You have few friends that you are close and loyal to. You can be snagged by a pretty face, sensuous voice or alluring body. Once attached to someone it becomes an addiction and when you decide to be free of your love object you experience powerful separation anxiety.
Strengths: Soulful – Intimate – Graceful Weaknesses: Reclusive – Disappointed – Suffering

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and wishes throughout the week.

Mom is fine now, out of ICU but will be weeks before they let her out of the hospital. Then she has 1-2 weeks of rehab to gain her strength back due to being on a ventilator for over 24 hours.

The end cause was she had a seizure, due to either the 105+ fever she had and/or 530+ sugar level (she's diabetic type II). If it was an infection that caused the spike they gave her so many antibiotics that its cleared out of her system. They think she missed an insulin treatment with what went on that contributed to making it worse.

I'm back in Cincinnati; shower, clean clothes, and not bouncing around or in an overly sterile environment is making me somewhat better. Though trying to get through one of the G20 reroutes made things tricky and me on McKnightmare for a bit.

OK to start with I focused on things like I don't know *work* at work. The end result of this was people we're stupid.

Out of 3 voice mails, 6 texts, 4 instant messages, and 2 face book posts of "hey its an emergency in Chicago and I can't get a hold of anyone."

Only 3 of these actually mentioned *why* they needed to get a hold of some of those in Chicago. The rest were "There is an emergency and we can't get a hold of x" two of which are people I count as my best friends.

How many of you remember NIU last major emergency (i.e. shooting)? All of those names that were not the real reason people wanted contact - are in NIU people.

DON'T DO THIS TO ME PEOPLE!!!!

Can I declare hunting season on Drama Queens now?

Ok I hear about it enough that ok really I'm caving.

Who do I know out there knows it well enough to put it all in order on my nexflix's account so I don't watch it backwards?

I would just ask the main people on this being mechanicalhyena and dire5 but I have this strange feeling that I would have to explain why I'm watching it all from the beginning.

Ok those that do IC stuff with me I probably told you that I got tried of getting spam in my IC lj.

Eh - I'm just going to have it post on both the IC LJ and my blog, that was life is made easier. And people can read it without an rss feed or poking at my blog (which I don't mind I understand LJ makes the process easier).

IC LJ can be found at bellenocturnus. I do have it set to friends only - so give me some time if your not on it to add you.

07/15/09 12:16pm Final Inspection, Awaiting Shipment Product is ready for final inspection and shipment

Finally!!!

Service History
Date Time Status Description
07/10/09 8:14am Parts Ordered Awaiting arrival of parts ordered from the manufacturer or approved parts supplier for repair. Depending on the supplier, parts arrival may take between three and ten days

07/07/09 11:25am Received Product has been received at the repair location and is being assigned to a Geek Squad Agent or a certified technician for repair

07/04/09 12:32pm Checked In Product has been checked in and is awaiting shipment


The little one will soon be fixed and it will be ok...

So why coming back to sanity would be any different - of course being the Mastigos type person I am I had to take myself down to base components to be able to rebuilt. My own mental pattern (for Amber geeks).

Sleep (and actually getting to sleep - and kittens on the keyboard) helped a lot. Something about being able to fully shut off my head again. (Doing so in Chicago stopped the insanity - and was a long time since someone got me to stop thinking like that. Where I didn't have to second guess if I would be needed to answer something in a moments notice.)

The entry that isn't there anymore mentioned the whole I'm able to recognize myself in the mirror for the first time in a long time still applies even this morning (the rest of it really is gibberish my madness). I don't know what to make of this yet but its something I want to hold on to for a while before I loose it again - and really hope that I can. [If you had to ask if you would make my mental condition worse this weekend - no you made it better by so many leaps and bounds there is not enough words to say thank you right now.]

So I was posed the question - am I happy? I answered with I didn't know what I wanted at the moment. Before this weekend I couldn't tell you what happy was, because I couldn't put anything in its proper place. I did really loose my grip on sanity the last month or so. Its no one's fault but my own that I did so. Ignorance is Bliss, and I tossed that out the window when I looked at my life and wanted to know everything about it. I understand the phrase there is a thin line between insanity and genius now way too much. As I tried to think through everything in life and look at things for their own merit as well as their situational merit. I love being able to think like this, and realize that to follow through on what I want to be will make other people unhappy.

I think that is the crux with what has been putting me in the state of somewhat deadness to the world. I owe some people the world, and in part am the world. I'm not what they want me to be. And I'm too damn empathic I can't stand hurting anyone. It really is the only way that people can hurt me. I'm here enough to realize I've been going in and out of the state being dead empathically because I can't be something and I'm expected to be something. If I answer the question now - am I happy? I'm content, and realize there is much more that I should be and want to be.

I do realize I've started to hate the question "What are you thinking?" Partly because people ask me it too much. Partly because I do like to keep a lot of stuff close to chest because it will make me look more insane than I was for a while. Mostly because people ask me it when I'm not thinking of anything. As funny as the response "Fire bad, tree pretty" is - most of the time when people ask me this question is when I'm trying to make my head be quiet for a few minutes. And no one ever believes me when I say nothing. I get to go from peace, tranquility and a sort of meditation state to crap - something they expect from me. I still feel like I'm on the pedestal of look its pretty and smart! Which means no one comes up to think on my level - which is one of the reasons I cling to Chicago where I have good friends that do talk to me like equals not the person that should be placed on the pedestal that no one can ever get to. (I'm not going into the level of satire that was some people trying to reach the pedestal. The effort was appreciated the execution worked for the first day and then just became too silly.)

OK - off to work.

If any of you are interested in modern art or Disney princesses. http://www.jpgmag.com/stories/11918 Check out the story here which puts them in real life situations. Very good work on the part of the artist.

So with the exception of *maybe* Friday I have something all this week. Which might turn into taking my laptop to bestbuy and having the mouse fixed.

I was supposed to have a week off. So far the car is finished and Chris is picking it up. The maintenance guy from the apartment has come and fixed everything (no more mold on wall, tiles from the shower back on the wall, I have a working dishwasher again, and the door shouldn't leak). Time Warner guy is 2-3 hours over due (hopefully didn't come when I said screw it I'm taking a shower).

Next tuesday I have to be up bright and early because Cincinnati Bell is installing the fiberoptic line; which I'm paying more for than what I'm paying now, but they will actually fix things and its a 30MB/s line.

I signed the lease for the whole apartment today. (which seems to be when they come fix everything).

My guilt complex on messing up on the raid of late and me going screw it, I'm going to see how close I can come to getting the patterns for wispcloak and deathchill cloak. I have three dungeons, and 1 zone + 10 quests and I'm there. That way I can make the cloak and give it to everyone in the guild that needs one. I might start to feel better again - I woke up almost ok then read the e-mail list.

Cam wise - I need help putting up the Coord reports. It took me 15 minutes for such. I have a newsletter to stick together and format (before I'm reminded of it again - even though its not even my job). I want to leave the EC because I'm getting tired of the BS, but there is a domain between me and the GL. I'm compiling a list of all the approved PCs and wiki-fiying them. I.e. your not on the list, you better not be handing me a PC at the last minute unless someone said hey want to try the cam. (prolly not this bad, but that's the main reason cheese has gotten threw in the past).

I find more and more my grip of this sanity thing is slipping at times, fleeting at best.

There are really no words to describe it, I can describe at least what it starts as. Where I can embrace being friends, being with people - we all have lives and schedules and going from the high of being around people and having fun, to just the emptiness. You have that feeling of you just want to talk with someone - where you don't care what or even if your there, you want someone to just talk even if it is just listening. Life takes us all away sometimes. The world is such where you have to be selective of the people you hold close or that dagger in the back can hurt you the worst. You can't just go running to people that have lives who didn't study anything and everything on how the universe ticks. They still have their well secured place in reality and lives, and jobs, and things that will cement them into place of reflection back on themselves and their place.

Sometimes this is enough to trigger the hold on sanity to go away. Other times it needs the feeling of somethings wrong (which can happen just out of the blue with me - having a form of precognition on things kinda sucks for this - its nothing specific its just the feeling of something somewhere is wrong - sometimes is and I just need to find it).

There is just the sense of being and almost in a free fall that I wonder if this is what is meant by existential vertigo the idea that freedom is a burden that must be carried. The idea that existence comes before essence that we must be able to shape ourselves into the form that we would want to be, but cannot reflect upon what we are without an other to reflect back upon and so on to escape a solipsist existence where the lack of an other would leave us with just the infinite vastness of our own minds and no boundaries or relation points to what we are.

There is something that is not vanity by comforting to understand how we are viewed and observed by Others in that the lack of that meaningful observation that many would stand on the edge of Vertigo trying to desperately find the reflective other to reaffirm their existence.

Free Fall, insanity, the point beyond vertigo where you no longer look for a reaffirming other to reflect the self back on to you. Where nothing really matters at all, because there is no reference for it to matter. The last thread of sanity that I hold on to that pulls me back at times is simply "knowing I should care".

How much can I just exist in this free fall before that last thread is gone. When the moment of vertigo is so fleeting there is no time to search out a reflective other. One moment the world is sane and there is rational connections to everything. Nice and safe in the web of sanity. The next moment there is nothing and its just the free fall and only the nagging though of finding the web of reality.

So every time anyone comes in or out of my apartment, the big gray cat moose tries to run out. He doesn't go far he just wants to explore. So I have this Saturdays off, I put harness of kitten, put leash on kitten figure let the kitten explore.

Set kitten outside of apartment all ready to explore under mommy kitten supervision.

Kitten turns on its back and starts eating/playing with the leash.

Take kitten down the stairs, set down. kitten turns on back starts playing with the leash.

Epic Fail on mommy kitten part, very cute on kitten part.

"Your current struggle is to find a balance between simplicity and complexity. You surely want the creature comforts, but you don't want to pay the expensive karmic price tag. It's crucial that you weigh the impact of your personal goals. There may be some desires that you can set aside temporarily in the name of the higher cause of humanity."

Not so much simplicity and complexity but full potential as a thinking being and a dead gerbil in a box of rocks. I want to be one thing, I want to be the intellectual thinking being expanding my potential.

I've watched myself be killed dead, where emotions we're only an echo of what they should be. I don't want the guilt trip that I seem to keep getting every time that I try to explore this aspect of being who I want to be.

There needs to be a fuck it button where I can tell everyone to go screw themselves and just exist without the issues.

Save the Inbox... Save the World (Camarilla)...

Ok my thoughs on Reset -

I would have perfered a hard reset - but hey something is better than nothing.


My biggest gripe about it - is that my mailbox is exploding.

No really people BITCHING OUT THE STAFF THAT REFUSES TO TELL YOU ANYTHING DOES NOT MAKE IT BETTER.

Really - justifable issue which can be tweeked - cool.

You don't like it 20 e-mails later - just makes the other ST's on the ST list bitchy.

Non Timendus est.
Timor interfector-animus id sum.
Meus timor adspexi.
Meus per id cessus sum.
Et quom id absens solus mansus sum.

( translation )